Play 1: The Mallory
Are you dealing with a foreign government that is extremely popular with its people? Does overthrowing their government seem impossible because the people there will not allow it? Don’t fear! You can use this helpful guide to get the people to turn on their government and overthrow it FOR you!
Step 1: $anction
Economically strangle the enemy by cutting them off completely from foreign trade and financing! In an era of global economic cooperation, this will force them to produce everything they need to survive within their own borders. To survive this, they will need to have things like oil, rare earth minerals for technology, and year-round agriculture available in sufficient quantities for their people – something almost NO country has!
Step 2: Agitate
Once the people in your target country are sufficiently financially frustrated, begin an aggressive campaign of political agitation against their leadership – blaming them for the country’s economic problems. Maybe this happened because their leaders are corrupt and taking all of the money for themselves! Pay locals to create economically-motivated protest movements against the government. Make sure they have some signs written in English for Americans at home to read when these protests are covered by the news.
Step 3: Escalate
Once the protest movement is in full swing, escalate things by encouraging the more fringe aggressive elements of the movement into full blown violence. Give them weapons if you need to! Make this thing a powder keg ready to blow.
Step 4: Wait
Once your protest movement is chaotic enough, your target country will have no choice but to crack down on these violent protestors! Make sure you have friendly reporters onhand ready to record these crackdowns for media dispersal. They’ll be running stories about political prisoners and human rights violations in no time! Now, the whole world will be on your side.
Step 5: Support
Wow, the people in that country sure are mad at their government! Now is the perfect time to step in with a public condemnation of their government’s evil ways, lending full support to the “protest movement”. Once the cameras are off, be sure to pick your favorite guys on the ground and let them know you’ll provide them with an entire militia should they decide to overthrow their government on their own. All you ask in return is they remember who helped them get to the top when they pull this thing off! Did you just become best friends? I think so!
Play 2: The Carmona
Sometimes, there will be a country with natural resources the USA wants – and they will have the audacity to give those natural resources away to someone else or worse, keep them for themselves. This sounds like a threat to democracy! You better get in there and FIX this, the good ol’ FREEDOM way.
Step 1: Mingle
Start putting yourself out there to make connections. Is there someone in the target country who seems like they’d be a good “friend” for the U.S. government to have? Keep your eyes out for disgruntled businessmen, former political adversaries of the current government in question, or corrupt megalomaniacs who look good on camera! If all else fails, look at home for someone with tenuous ties to the target country that can be exploited for American gain.
Step 2: Smear
Once you’ve found a charismatic psychopath to do your bidding, get him in front of TV cameras in your target country immediately! Have him paint a picture of corrupt government leadership, brutal repression, and stolen elections at home. Back up his ridiculous claims in seemingly legitimate news outlets by paying off journalists or buying full media companies yourself. For bonus points, start a student newspaper in the target country that agrees with him completely!
Step 3: Campaign
Now that the entire country thinks the leadership of their government has got to go, start planning an election! If election season is too far off, now might be a good time to demand snap elections instead. Get your new BFF out there campaigning to replace the undesirable leader. Build a phony “grassroots” movement of support. Make your guy the freedom-loving underdog fighting the big bad corrupt establishment!
Step 4: Cast Doubt
Even the best-laid plans can go awry. What happens if you don’t win this thing? It’s best to start planting seeds of doubt on the legitimacy of the election process immediately, just in case. Maybe the current guy in charge didn’t even really WIN the last election. Maybe there are irregularities in polling. Maybe your secret U.S.A.-NGOs who do “election monitoring” were barred from the country. Make the people worry that the other guy is going to STEAL this election!
Step 5: Win
When election day comes, if all goes according to plan, you’ll win this thing. However, if things don’t go according to plan fear not! You’ll still win this thing. Have your man on the ground cry “stolen election” and demand a re-vote! The media attention around this corruption and fraud will galvanize people into turning up in even greater numbers at the re-vote in support of your righteous cause. You’ll win this thing one way or another, dammit! Soon, that country will be signing advantageous trade deals with the U.S.A. and the natural resources will be flowing.
Play 3: The RFE/RL
Socialism is SO annoying – it simply will not die, no matter how
many times you keep trying to kill it! Sometimes, you’ll need to
campaign for the hearts and minds of the youth in socialist
countries to let them know what they’re missing out on by not
embracing good ol’ American capitalism. This is how to do it.
Step 1: Target
You’ll never convince people who fought for a worker revolution that socialism is the problem. However, with a little bit of patience, you will be able to convince their grandkids! Targeting their children is too soon – these kids grew up hearing glorious tales of revolutionary fighters from their parents. Grandchildren are the perfect opportunity, though. They’re not going to listen to the old people in their country. They know better! Just like the kids back home, they are ready to rebel. When the status quo is socialism the rebellion is capitalism.
Step 2: Advertise
Now that you’ve identified your target market – teenagers and young adults two generations removed from the struggle – start aggressively advertising the capitalist way of life to them. Buy radio stations, start college campus organizations, throw concerts with hip musicians from the capitalist world, show off trendy western fashion, publish zines and student papers, maybe even start a social media app. Sell them on the American dream of rock and roll and blue jeans!
Step 3: Condemn
Advertising the shiny wares of capitalism won’t be enough for more politically-savvy young people, of course. You’ll also need to make the case that their current government is corrupt and evil! Use those same media outlets to publish stories about all of the awful evil things their government is doing. Leave out key context, inflame minor issues, and feel free to even just make things up!
Step 4: Agitate
Now, start some buzz for a seemingly organic “protest” movement of young people. Where did the date for this protest come from? Well, you of course! Nobody needs to know that part, though. Secretly fund student organizations on the ground to promote this movement. These kids will be working for you in no time, and the best part is they won’t even know it!
Step 5: Liberate
Will this end with a hostile takeover of the government, or with a peaceful march to the ballot box? The choice is yours but either way this evil socialist country WILL be liberated by its new liberal pro-capitalist youth! Should you choose the ballot box remember to run someone extremely progressive on social issues in the polls (bonus points if they use buzzwords like “imperialism”). The right person for this job is someone who seems like rich people would HATE them, but who actually will be happy to open that country up for business with the western world. Feel free to reach out in a few months to cajole them into fighting a proxy war on your behalf!
Play 4: Not Our Guys
Do you need to get rid of a world leader FAST? Does it have to be something that flies under the radar in terms of global geopolitics? You need plausible deniability, and this play will help you get it. Everyone will, of course, know you did it...but can they prove it? Will they want to try?
Step 1: Villify (optional)
If time allows, you’re going to want to make the current leader of your target country out to be an absolute villain – a BIG BAD if you will. Bribe journalists and local opposition parties to badmouth this world leader in the press to anyone who will listen. If you set this up correctly, nobody will miss the guy when he’s gone. This step is, however, entirely optional. Sometimes, bad things just happen to good people!
Step 2: Network
You’re going to have to find some really bad dudes – and ideally, a LOT of them! Start scouring the dark underbelly of your target country. Look for criminals, thugs, drug traffickers, and low-lives who would do anything for a few bucks. You are assembling a team; think of it like a heist movie but way more sinister. Once you’ve built up an unseemly cast of characters, offer them an enormous sum of cash. It’s the score of a lifetime! They just have to pull off ONE big job.
Step 3: Arm
Now is the time to turn your ragtag group of men into a full blown militia! To do this, you’ll need to provide them with guns of course. However, you might also need to provide them with training. Maybe you’ll need to fly them to the USA for a weekend summer camp where they learn the ropes! Maybe you can open up a training camp just outside of their country’s borders with a friendly neighbor. Whatever the case, get these guys armed and lethal. WHINSEC, here we come!
Step 4: Coup
Now, sit back and relax as your little militia takes over the government of your target country. Watching this go down won’t be for the squeamish! After all, you intentionally chose a violent gang of jerks for the job. Expect shock and awe, and maybe even bloodshed. Will some innocent people die? Maybe, but that’s just the price of doing business.
Step 5: Deny
Now, your target country has a whole new government! Are they a little rough around the edges? Sure, but with your help they’ll be a proper country in no time. Be sure to recognize their legitimacy as the new government quickly and deny any involvement! All of your vassal nations will follow suit. Should any pesky reporters ask too many questions, remember: accidents happen all the time.
Play 5: The Mask Off
When all else fails, go in with guns a-blazin’ and show the rest of the world why the USA is TOP DAWG. Woof, woof, woof! This play is for people who know it’s better to ask for forgiveness later rather than wait around for permission now. There’s a reason why Americans don’t have free healthcare – it’s because we spent that money on a LOT of big guns! Let’s use them.
Step 1: Warn (optional)
Sometimes, it’s fun to play with your food before you eat it! If you feel the urge, start letting your target country know in the media that you’re coming for them. This can be quite funny! What are they going to do? Ask you not to? Ha, ha, ha. Those fools.
Step 2: Shoot
Send in the full force of the US military. Don’t be shy! Get airplanes in the sky, boats in the water, and boots on the ground. Give ‘em everything we’ve got! Start firing indiscriminately at everyone! Destroy civilian infrastructure! Heck, go old school and get your American soldiers hopped up on methamphetamines if you need to make them do it! Everyone already hates us. Let’s be sure, though, that you can make them FEAR us, too!
Step 3: Take
In the chaos you’ve created, now is the chance to take EVERYTHING you can from the target country. Steal literal money from their banks if you want to. Force them to sign over key industries to American businesses. Send real estate companies in to buy cheap property while there is still blood in the streets. Everything they have is yours for the taking!
Step 4: Destroy
Destroy absolutely everything you can in the affected country. Make it so that this place will be rubble by the time you leave. Infrastructure should be devastated. Homes, schools, and hospitals should be obliterated. Bomb factories that deal in chemicals, releasing them into the environment to tormet residents for generations to come.
Step 5: Settle
When the dust has cleared, force the target government to make every concession you can. Who is in charge of their economy now? You are. Who get the profits from rebuilding their destroyed country? You do. Whose businesses get to open up shop in the dirt fields where cities once stood? Yours, of course. Now shake hands and make up. Pleasure doing business with you.